Name: Alex Johnson
Date: July 1, 2025
I, Alex Johnson, solemnly swear that on June 30, 2025, at the railyard, I noticed the switch was so overgreased it could have doubled as an ice rink. While questioning my career choices, I then observed an individual triumphantly standing atop a freight car, shouting like they were summoning ancient railroad spirits."
Signature on file (still smirking)
Name: Brianna Lee
Date: July 2, 2025
I, Brianna Lee, declare that on June 29, 2025, while checking inventory at the railyard, I heard a dramatic "GREASE THE WHEELS" yelled with the gusto of a motivational speaker on caffeine. I turned and saw someone balancing on a freight car like a circus act. Meanwhile, the switch lever nearby had so much grease it could have lubed an entire fleet of locomotives.
Signature on file (regretfully witnessed)
Name: Carlos Ramirez
Date: July 3, 2025
I, Carlos Ramirez, affirm that on June 28, 2025, during routine inspection, I saw someone climb onto a freight car and perform a comedy routine so theatrical it deserved an award. I couldn't help noticing the nearby switch had enough grease to deep-fry a turkey. These events are, unfortunately, seared into my memory.
Signature on file (with mild trauma)